-“Rebbe, Rebbe! I don’t know what to do anymore. I need your wisdom. Please help me!”
-“What is the matter this time?”
-“The situation is very serious! What with all the noise in the papers and on TV, all those uprisings and people rising up and lifting their heads and this American “Schickse” who works with ‘Schwartze” in the (rolls eyes) White House, “tfoutfou” (spit, spit, which by miracle or divine intervention, or Deus ex Machina, or was it the same, misses the old Rebbe’s head by a few millimeters) criticizing us, well, the inevitable is happening and some people in our community, people you’d never have suspected, people who come to my shiourim, whom I taught as kids, who never complained, who followed all that is written, all the time …”
-“Get to the point already”
-” Well Rebbe, they have started …. asking questions!”
-“Oy vey! (slaps his forehead) Questions??? Questions!!! (tfou tfou, spit, spit. Well-aimed, right in the younger rabbi’s face)
-“I know! I have not been able to sleep for a week! What can we do? This might bring an earthquake, a deluge. I fear for my children’s lives and purity. You must help us. The situation is desperate. I need your wisdom. We all need your words of wisdom. Please save us from ourselves!”
-“Hmmm (thinking, thinking, scratching his head, some more thinking, serious thinking, chicken soup gets in the way, brushed off the back of his illustrious mind, back to thinking, what now? Soufganiot (“hanukka-heaven-made-doughnuts” for the goys out there who do have the ability of entering and understanding the chaotic thoughts of the Wise Rebbe Wiseman)!! Of all things! Brushed off too, but who says soufganiot says Dina…, ahh Dina Dina! so young and desirable and amenable and … her younger brother Moishe … so malleable? Noo! tfou tfou! Another spit straight on the left-eye of the younger Rabbi, who, even though he is so very impressed by the obvious wisdom of the Rebbe, doesn’t quite know what to do. Should he wipe it off, should he take it as a double blessing? But then wouldn’t it be a little too resemblant to the heretic – and lunatic, if you ask him – Christian practice of baptism? But here he is himself questioning! The very reason he has come to ask for advice from the wisest of the wisest. So he stops thinking, mutters a prayer or two and waits patiently for the spit to roll down his face keeping his left-eye tightly closed. And who needs a left-eye anyway?!)
The Rebbe, “This is very serious! We cannot let this happen. Let us see what else we can do, so far we have:
- Taken all nonsensical courses, such as maths, physics, chemistry, literature and a few others, off our school’s curriculum. Check!
- Removed the offending pictures of women from all billboards and ads. Check! (even though that one needs re-checking, looks like the dorks in the Knesset or Supreme Court or whatever heretical institution out there has decided it will only be valid in “religious” areas?! Needs serious re-checking)
- Built our own army. Check!
- Called for the murder of all those who do not obey our laws. Check.
- Curtailed the free speech of Israeli citizens who support the boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS). Check.
- Targeted Israeli NGOs and human rights groups, basically anyone that might criticize us. Check
- Managed to put a brave man, who has championed press censorship, onto the judicial body. Check.
- Made lists of all treyfe shops in view of “boycotting”, … and more “if affinity”. Check.”
- Ensured we get the “extra” funding for our yeshivas. Check
