The Couch

“I often dream of how I lost my virginity while swimming”, she said, and turned to the 40 year old single South African living in Tel Aviv trying to sell her his couch …
The man was panting and quite obviously as desperate to sell her his couch as he was to explore her private parts on it. He looked distraught and sounded worse than he looked.
She was enjoying the power she knew she had over him.
“Ja, I remember when I was a kid, my parents used to take us to Cape Town for the holidays and we swam with dolphins, and we learned how to surf, and boy I got totally smashed for the first time when I was about thirteen …”
“Hmmm yes, the waves, the Cape. The man was much older than I. He was a friend of my father.” She paused for the effect and looked from the side of her eyes to see the reaction this last declaration had on the man. He was breathing heavily and red in the face. He was desperately trying to hide his commotion which made it even less inconspicuous.
She was enjoying it all greatly. of course, she was lying through her teeth: there had been no swimming, there had been no deflowering, there had been no father’s friend. Her father had no friends; and more than that, there had been no father for he had died before she was even born.

But, she wanted that couch.

And, she did not want to pay for it.

At least not the outrageous price he was asking for.
So far so good. All seemed to be going in the right direction. He was breathing hard, could hardly look her in the eyes and had this constant stupid little laugh. He could not stand still and was swinging on his legs. She was close to the finish line.  All she needed was one last killer ’memory’ before the final slay.
“I was a little scared. He was so big but he took me so gently and with so much love I almost fainted with pleasure”
She could not believe the ease with which she was uttering these inanities to a total stranger and before she knew what was happening he had moved closer to the sofa and was leaning towards her in what he thought was a sexy position: looking at her while leaning his elbow on his knee, his right leg on the sofa, touching her left thigh. All she noticed was how dirty his toe nails and feet were. On her couch.
“Ja, och, lekker, the man was a lucky man, hey!”
“Yes” she said getting up and pointing at the couch, “I really don’t know how or why this couch reminded me of all that. Funny isn’t it?”
“Ja, sure. We all have these moments, right? Allow me to tell you: you are a very attractive woman” he said in a raucous voice, his bottom lip hanging loose like his trousers, and probably what was inside the latter too.
“Hmmm, thank you, why, ah, so about this couch, it is a bit rundown isn’t it. It doesn’t look as fresh and new as on the picture you posted on Facebook” she said caressing the couch suggestively as she spoke. At least she hoped she was suggestive. She looked up and saw he was right in front of her, his eyes deep into her bosom.
Maybe she should put down the ‘suggestive volume’, she thought.  She wanted a free couch, … not to give a free ride.
“Don’t you miss your parents, living here on your own without a family and stuff! I miss my mother so much”
“No, I don’t” he said smiling
This was not going too well. The eyes were locked in her cleavage – should she have worn the other t-shirt? – his breathing heavier than ever and his hands dangerously close to her hips. She had to change course.
“It must be hard sometimes though. Don’t you miss your country then and Mandela and stuff? And the climate?”
She had no idea what she was talking about now, she had never been to South Africa, had never met anyone from there and could not stand either their accents or their English.
“No, I don’t”
“And you came straight from there to here? I mean. You must have had a girlfriend and all that there?”
“Ja, nothing very serious… How about you? Any man in your life … Or are you still playing doctor and nurse with your father’s friend?”
“No, of course not, I mean yes, there is. Of course. There always is, isn’t it. But not as it should, but I am very happy of course, and it is all perfect, and”
“So about the couch”
“What about the couch?”
“ Well, what are we going to do about it?”
“What do you mean? Mmmmmmm. I think we both know what we are going to do about it, isn’t it?”
“I mean, how are we going to settle?”
“Ja, we can easily settle in the couch you and I, I have done it quite a few times and the size is perfect”
“No, I mean yes, the size is perfect but it is not what I meant”
“No, not what you meant? …. Mmmm, I think it is exactly what you had in mind. I think you and I have a lot in common, the love of the sea, the love of love and couches”
“Yes but no ..” How am I getting myself out of that one now? What have I done?
“Come baby, come here, let me show you what the couch can do” he said as he let his trousers drop exposing himself totally.
As he made his move towards her, she turned back and ran for the door, leaving the now naked South African and his couch. She had miserably failed! There would be no discount.There would e no bargain. There would be no couch. Next time she will know better.

(October 30th, 2013)

Alex S David

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